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bad day
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2000-04-04
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There are bad days...
Next time you think you have had a bad day at work, think about this
guy: Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of
Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and
won their contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one). April
1998
========================
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's
not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first
must bore you
with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom
of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of
year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We
have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
junk sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped
to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used
it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom
and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my
neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a
jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass
started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things
worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose
out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it
into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under
a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my
back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was
not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were
unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing
hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to
make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before
I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to
the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were
tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it
"up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I
couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later
found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose
was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you
have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse
your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope
you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will
make more tolerable.